Weeks, Maybe Months
by LoveableKat
Summary: Cora sees Robert kissing Jane. Mary probably a little OOC. Stream-of-consciousness like. No copyright infringement intended. Characters, quotations and (most of the) story belong to Julian Fellowes.


Cora

She has left the dinner party downstairs because she does not feel well. She is sure to have a fever and afraid that she has the Spanish flu. She has heard such horrible things about it and she isn't ready to die. She hopes it's nothing serious because she couldn't bear to leave her husband alone. She rings for her lady's maid and gets ready for bed. She is a little surprised that her husband doesn't come looking for her, but he is probably busy downstairs, keeping an eye on their eldest daughter who is clearly still in love with Matthew who is obviously still in love with her but too stubborn and honorable to admit it.

When she lies down she realizes that she has never talked to her husband about this. They haven't really talked in weeks, maybe months; they have only fought about their youngest daughter's choice of husband. The war has taken its toll on their marriage. She vows to rectify this as soon as she feels better. She loves her husband too much to let a war or a marriage between a Lady and chauffeur destroy what they have.

She falls asleep on his side of the bed because it smells like him and that comforts her. She wakes up a few hours later and hears commotion in her husband's room. She is sure that he is still awake and she wants to talk to him. She enters his room without knocking; they haven't knocked on the door between his room and theirs for thirty years. When she opens the door she dearly wishes she had knocked. The sight that greets her pulls her world from under her feet. She sees her husband kissing another woman. She literally loses her balance and barely makes it back to her bed and wonders if she is ready to die. Her feverish mind conjures up images of him in bed with that other woman, telling her that he loves her. Her, that other woman, not her, his wife. She wonders how many other women he has kissed and taken to bed. Rationally she knows that the answer is probably none, but in her fever she thinks that it is probably a hundred.

She falls into a fitful sleep, unsure of whether she wants to fight for her life. Her daughters are grown up and her husband is clearly in love with someone else. When the fight becomes harder she decides that it is a losing battle and that she should give up. She feels someone mop her forehead and in her few moments of consciousness she realizes that it is her lady's maid and not her husband who is at her sickbed. Another reason not to fight anymore.

Giving up the fight does not mean just slipping away. It means high fever, cramps and throwing up. And moments of consciousness. She can hear her husband talk to their youngest daughter and she can hear the concern in his voice. "My whole life gone over a cliff in a single day". Maybe there would be a chance for them, but the doctor says that it doesn't look good and she still doesn't know whether she wants to make it through the night. She feels the bed shift under her and feels someone gently touching her face. There is only one person in this world who would touch her like that. She wants to tell him that she loves him and that she is sorry for whatever she has done to make him kiss another woman. But she can't, she is clearly losing the battle she has begun to fight again.

She wakes up, hours or days later, she has no concept of time. Her lady's maid is by her bedside. Her throat feels dry and she doesn't feel strong enough to speak. She says one word. Robert. Her lady's maid tells her that he is taking care of the arrangements for Lavinia Swire's funeral. She doesn't know what to feel. She nods and falls back to sleep.

When she wakes up the next time it is her husband sitting at her bedside. "A sight to gladden my heart" he says. "Is it?" she asks. She is sure he did not want her to die but she isn't sure if he wants to see her or if he is just fulfilling his duty as her husband to keep up appearances. She doesn't know how it happened but suddenly she realizes that they are holding hands. They haven't done this in weeks, maybe months and it sends a shiver down her spine that has nothing to do with her illness. She is afraid of this being the last time they are holding hands. "I saw you kiss her" she says. All color drains from his face. He doesn't deny it. "Why?" she asks. "Is it love?" "No", he says. "A sense of loneliness coupled with the feeling of being needed." "By her?" she asks. "Yes", he says. "I need you too", she says. "Do you really?" he asks. "I had the feeling I wasn't more than a nuisance to you." "I'm sorry", she says. "For neglecting you. And making you feel unneeded." "What was it like, sleeping with another woman?" she asks. "I didn't go through with it" he says. "I couldn't. She's not you." She realizes that his hand is still in hers and she squeezes it. "I love you" she says. She notices how his features soften and he looks at her in a way he hasn't looked at her in weeks, maybe months. "I love you too" he says and lets go of her hand. She watches him. He walks around the bed, climbs onto the bed, sits down next to her and takes her into his arms. She puts her head on his shoulder as she has done countless times before. She is glad to have turned around and won the fight. He strokes her head and says "I am so sorry". She doesn't know why, but she forgives him right there and then. "Don't do it again?" she pleads. "I won't", he promises. "Good", she says.

Robert

He watches her leave the dining room. He knows that she is sick and hopes that it is not the Spanish flu. He might feel neglected by her but he certainly doesn't want her dead. When Lavinia says that she doesn't feel well either and a servant tells him that Moseley and Carson are both sick too, he is sure that it is the Spanish flu. But he is sure that nothing will happen to his wife, she just wouldn't succumb to the flu, even if it was a Spanish one. Nevertheless, his mother's comment about half the guests dying at a ball in Paris puts his teeth on edge.

He asks how she is before getting changed for bed and is told that she is asleep but fine. When he looks into the hallway to see if Bates is still there he sees Jane instead. She offers help and he accepts it. She wants and needs him and he has lost his youngest daughter to a chauffeur and feels as if he has lost his wife in the war. He holds his hand out to Jane and she takes it. He begins to kiss her and it feels good. He hasn't been kissed like that in weeks, maybe months. He is glad when Bates comes knocking on his door because it gives him a reason to stop what he is doing. He knows his valet has unwittingly prevented him from making the biggest mistake of his life. And he realizes that the kiss didn't feel good. It felt wrong. So he sends Jane away and goes to bed. He doesn't sleep well and is glad when it is time to get up. His daughters tell him that their mother is worse. He goes to see her and his world is pulled from under his feet. She is fighting for her life and according to the doctor she might be fighting a losing battle. He prays to God that she will make it.

When his youngest daughter comes rushing into the room, calling for Mary and Matthew and Lavinia dies a few minutes or maybe hours later, he doesn't know, he has no sense of time, he can't help but think that it might be his wife next. He goes to her room and sees her writhing on their bed, shaken by cramps and throwing up. He knows he has to call the funeral director and dearly hopes that he has to report only one death. If he loses his wife he loses his life. He leans on his side of their bed and strokes her cheek and hopes that she can feel it and knows that it is him and that he loves her more than anything in the world and that he wants to work on their marriage, wants to make it right. He hasn't been that determined in weeks, maybe months. The doctor tells him that she will live if she makes it through the night. He doesn't know if he will make it through the night that way.

They tell him that she woke up while he was taking care of the funeral arrangements and that she has asked for him. His heart skips beat, something it hasn't done in weeks, maybe months. He goes to her room and sends her lady's maid away. He wants to be there when she wakes up again. And he wants to talk to her. He needs to talk to her. They haven't talked in weeks, maybe months and their ability to talk to each other has always been the foundation their marriage was built on.

She opens her eyes and he says "A sight to gladden my heart". She doubts this. "Is it?" she asks. He is afraid that she thinks that he is there only because of a sense of obligation, so he takes her hand to show her that he is not. "I saw you kiss her", she says and he feels all color leaving his face. There is no reason to deny it; that would probably make it worse. "Why?" she wants to know. "Is it love?" God no, he thinks and says "no". "A sense of loneliness coupled with the feeling of being needed." "By her?" she asks. "Yes", he says. "I need you too", she says. "Do you really?" he asks, not sure whether he should believe her. "I had the feeling I wasn't more than a nuisance to you." "I'm sorry", she says and his heart breaks for her. He has kissed another woman and she is sorry. "For neglecting you. And making you feel unneeded." "What was it like, sleeping with another woman?" she asks. "I didn't go through with it" he says. "I couldn't. She's not you." He now knows that even without Bates' interruption he wouldn't have slept with Jane. He loves his wife too much. He knows he would have stopped before it would have been too late. She squeezes his hand and says "I love you". She hasn't said it weeks, maybe months and it gives him hope, more hope than he thought was possible only hours ago. "I love you too" he says and lets go of her hand. He walks around the bed, climbs onto the bed, sits down next to her and takes her into his arms. She puts her head on his shoulder as she has done countless times before. He strokes her head and says "I am so sorry". He knows he's asking a lot but he hopes for her forgiveness. "Don't do it again?" she pleads. "No", he promises. "Good", she says. He feels her relax into his embrace and he knows he's been forgiven.

Mary

They have told her that her mother will live and she's incredibly relieved. Although she is an adult, she knows that she is not ready to live without her mother. She needs to talk to her about what happened between Matthew and her and about Lavinia's death.

She wants to talk to her father too, but she has no idea where he is, so she walks to her mother's room. She knocks on the door but gets no answer. She decides to go in anyway. She can wait in there for her mother to wake up and if she is lucky her father will come to her mother's room too. Although she doubts it. Her parents seem to have lost their way with each other. Their marriage is the casualty of the war that hurts her the most. She knows she has always taken the love between them for granted and has recently come to realize that love and marriage are not necessarily bound to each other. She and Richard are proof of that. And so were Matthew and Lavinia. And so are her parents now. It brings tears to her eyes and makes her incredibly sad.

She slowly opens the door and the sight that greets her stops her world from falling apart. She sees her parents lying on their bed, fast asleep, her mother's head on her father's shoulder and her father's arm around her mother. It turns her tears of sadness into tears of joy and it makes her happier than she has been in weeks, maybe months and possibly years.


End file.
